How do I cope with expectations at Christmas and into the New Year?
What do other people expect?
Christmas and the New Year bring many expectations from society. These expectations have a generous helping of ‘being happy, being with your family and having fun.’ I wonder if these times are a form of escape from every day life with all of it’s complexities. However it is not realistic to ‘be happy’ just because its a particular season. I wonder how many people have been asked who they are spending the holiday season with and have been met with a perplexed look when they make it known that on Christmas day or New Year’s Eve they are on their own. The felt need to explain and over-explain can be very strong. Afterall we all want to belong and be accepted by others. If we are not careful we may find ourselves feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Grief, stress and anxiety can be exacerbated at this time as we try to meet other people’s expectations – sometimes at the expense of our own mental and physical health.
What do we expect?
I wonder too how many people expect to be invited to particular people’s houses and are then devastated or angry when the invitation doesn’t come. Perhaps thoughts and words go something like this: ‘well they should have invited me’ – ‘I can’t believe how thoughtless they are’ – ‘they clearly don’t love or want me.’
Being in reality
Relationships don’t become close because it’s the holiday season. If we want our relationships to be healthy there needs to be give and take in both directions. Relationships take time and effort to grow and develop. Demanding from other people is never a good idea.
Christmas and New Year can be very stressful – they highlight the reality of our relationships the rest of the year – complete with the ruptures and losses through death, separation, divorce, estrangement etc. Trying to create an impression that our family is close when it isn’t the rest of the year is a recipe for sadness, stress and anxiety. We may find ourselves grieving for yet more loss.
Considering restoring relationships
I imagine most of us will have received Christmas cards from people that we have long ago lost contact with. I wonder how we feel as these land or our doormat. Could it be that we would like to re-establish contact? Or perhaps we really don’t want to do this and would prefer to keep things as they are. If that is the case how we will we make this happen?
What is the most important thing to you?
This can be a helpful question to ask yourself – it is deep and worth taking time to consider. It is all too easy to say ‘be happy or ‘I am happy when…’ or ‘I will be happy when….’
What do I need right now?
Many of us have lives that are full of responsibilities that need to be fulfilled. Could it be that taking some time to rest and be refreshed in this season and into the New Year could be helpful?
Reflect on our relationships
Healthy relationships are safe, boundaried and respectful. Christmas and New Year can highlight stressors that have been brewing for a long time. Are there changes that we need to make in the way that we relate to other people – are we kind and thoughtful? Are other people kind and thoughtful to us? Communication is so important – we are always communicating both with our words and non verbal behaviour.
Where can I focus to make the changes that I can?
Change starts with us – and with small steps – let’s start with the facts as we know them in the present. Self-compassion and kindness will make all the difference to ourselves and other people.
Do you need some professional support?
We all need support – sometimes talking to a Counsellor can give you a safe space, to slow down, reflect and make the decisions that are the right ones for you.
