Am I being stonewalled?

Stonewalling is when a person shuts down and withdraws abruptly from a conversation or relationship. They may leave without warning, ignore messages or phone calls, become dismissive and engage in other passive-aggressive behaviours. This can cause people to feel belittled and shamed. It can also lead to feeling invisible.

Here is a vignette

There has been tension between two people, caused by one of them controlling the other. Let’s call them Clarissa and Penny. The relational style between them is that Clarissa is very controlling and wants things done her way or no way. Penny recognises this and, for the most part, people-pleases to try and keep the peace. As long as Penny does as she is told, things are relatively peaceful. Occasionally, Penny decides that she is not going to tolerate this disrespectful behaviour and tries to speak up for herself. Because she is somewhat afraid of Clarissa, she tries to choose her words and tone carefully. On this occasion, Penny has tried to to find her voice and has been told by Clarissa to ‘Be Quiet.’ Penny asks Clarissa not to speak to her like that and asks if Clarissa would like a hug. What she is doing is trying to bring peace back because she is afraid of Clarissa and at the same time does not want to lose the relationship. Clarissa raises her voice and says a very firm NO.

Over the next few months Penny phones Clarissa, messages her, tries to visit – she allows space for Clarissa to respond – there is no reply – complete and utter silence. This is stonewalling. It doesn’t matter what Penny does, Clarissa is not going to answer.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is behaviour that comes from our survival brain. It is a way of trying to pacify someone who is either abusive or we are afraid of for another reason. Our survival brain is responsible for fight, flight, freeze, fawn (people-pleasing), flop.

What might the impact of Clarissa’s behaviour be on Penny?

It could cause anxiety, sadness, a sense of rejection, anger and abandonment. The more Penny tries to move towards Clarissa she is inadvertently giving Clarissa her power. There is a sense of loss and it is inevitable that grief follows as Penny tries to make sense of her relationship with Clarissa. There may be a longing for the relationship to be restored. The truth is that Clarissa is not giving anything back and does not value Penny or the relationship. This can be very hard to come to terms with – or to even try and come to terms with. At some level Penny does know that the relationship is toxic and she is gradually trying to let go of her expectations for a loving relationship. It is becoming increasingly clear these expectations are not going to be met.

How long before Penny starts to come to terms with reality?

Coming to terms with reality can be very hard. As humans we so long for loving meaningful relationships. They help us feel safe, accepted and loved. Sometimes we stay in unhealthy relationships because we are afraid of being on our own or feel that we won’t be able to cope without the other person.

Stonewalling is not love

Stonewalling is not love – it is not safe, it leads to us feeling that we are unlovable and have no worth. Love is safe, kind, tender and a place of mutual empathy, support and respect. Love is a place where both people are able to speak and be heard. Love is a place where, when something goes wrong, it is possible to find the place of wounding and work together towards healing.

You deserve so much more

When we have healthy self-esteem we are better able to discern if the relationships we are in are healthy or not. It is important to acknowledge it is not always easy or possible to leave a toxic relationship. However it is crucial that we learn how to establish boundaries to keep ourselves safe. Other people may not respect our boundaries. We still need to set them. If we don’t, our mental and physical health will be affected. Where can we find support? What one step can or will we take to help ourselves?

Would you like some professional support?

If this vignette resonates with you, and you might like to consider getting some professional support, do feel free to contact me on stella@stellagoddard.com

Please note that Clarissa and Penny are not real people – I have made these names and this story up to illustrate what stonewalling might look like.